the onion’s special coverage of election day 2016

by:CAI YI JIE     2019-09-14
As the gap between the 42% constituency report and the candidate is less than a percentage point, The Onion has called on the boneless Iowa to give up the delay and unite and have made a damn choice
Depending on the election pattern of The Onion, the Midwest needs to sort out its shit and figure out where it\'s going because it\'s not complicated, for Christ\'s sake
The timid little eagle eye state has about 20 minutes to decide which candidate will get six insignificant electoral votes or we will call Jill Stein and you just have to deal with it. WASHINGTON—
Saying that their optimism about the election situation does not help anything about what is happening at the moment, sources confirmed Tuesday night that national optimists need to close their mouths seriously as soon as possible.
\"Of course, things may look bad right now, but even if the worst happens, we\'re only talking about four years here,\" said NM resident Pete millanger . \" One of thousands of active thinkers across the country, he will close their damn traps in this damn second and keep them sealed for the foreseeable future, thus bringing great help to everyone.
\"That\'s why we have a system of checks and balances --
To ensure that no matter what happens in the election, the administration does not gain much power.
Think about it: is there any president who can implement their platform for this letter? No.
Believe me, there\'s nothing worse than it looks.
According to the source, a calm and calm Mirenge-
It is reported that he has about five seconds before he closes his mouth for him
And then added that the country went through something worse and everything was fine.
After the official forecast that Donald Trump will win the key swing state of Ohio and its 18 electoral votes, vice presidential candidate Tim Kane quickly ran to a visibly disappointed Hillary Clinton, trying to pull his shirt up from his belly and show her his navel to cheer her up
The Virginia senator spent a few minutes lifting the bottom of his shirt with his chin while repeatedly pointing to the navel and telling Clinton that he had \"an innie [sic]
\",\" Prompted Clinton to brief the head of the site and said, \"Yes, that\'s right,\" and then cranked her neck to look at the election map from his side to track her progress in Florida and Nevada.
Onion Chief political correspondent Martin hasselton reported at Clinton headquarters in New York all night.
Onions have camped at polling stations across the country to collect the most accurate voting data and provide the only news shelter in a world full of chaos and lies.
Here are the highlights: every four years, the American people are entrusted to elect the next president, which is against anyone\'s better judgment.
The Onion told them to tell their story.
With most of the voting in the country now over, no winner has announced yet, Hillary Clinton reportedly left her campaign watch party a while ago and jumped on a red Suzuki Hayabusa motorcycle, and quickly find any constituency leaders who have not yet reported the results of the county\'s elections.
You can see Secretary Clinton shuttling between cars in Manhattan, driving through several traffic areas on the sidewalk, and then, once she gets to the interstate, the speed will accelerate to more than 110 miles per hour.
Reporters were unable to keep up with the Democratic nominee, but many witnesses confirmed that there was a baseball bat next to Clinton, and she looked very angry before she took off the colored sunshades on her helmet, start the engine of the motorcycle and drive away.
Onion Chief political correspondent Martin hasselton reported at Clinton headquarters in New York all night. NEW YORK—
CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer strode briskly into the picture, interrupting a delightfully family meal, reportedly entering the middle of an Olive Garden commercial broadcast in an online election report on Tuesday night.
The election result was broken
Blitzer said: \"breaking news: CNN called on Nevada to support Hillary Clinton and go straight to a smiling mother and pass a bunch of fettucine alfredo to her daughter, and hold back the laughter of the tables around him so that he can add the chance of this victory to reach the Oval Office.
\"We expect that Secretary Clinton will receive six electoral votes in key swing states, putting her on the internal track of ensuring that she needs 270 electoral votes --
Hey, sorry, could you please write it down? —
The presidential election needs to be won.
\"At the press conference, Blitzer hurriedly evaded when the logo of the Olive Garden suddenly appeared in the frame. WASHINGTON—
After winning the most critical election in history, the president-
President-elect Barack Obama will serve as commander-in-chief in January.
20. breaking the racial barrier, the United States is finally bad enough.
Although polls in the last few weeks of October showed that Sen.
Under the leadership of Obama, it is still not clear that the recession, the dilapidated housing market, the collapse of national infrastructure, the health care crisis, the energy crisis and the fiveyear-
The long and disastrous war in Iraq has made the country bad enough to go beyond the racial prejudice of 300 and make lasting changes.
\"Today, the American people are making their voices and they say, \'Things end up as terrible as we are willing to tolerate, \'Obama said to a group of unemployed, uninsured people, and debt.
Supporters everywhere.
\"In this country, choose a black man, at this time --
The last eight years must have hurt you.
Obama added, \"This is a great day for our country.
As the results continue to be announced, Onion plans to win a decisive victory for Donald Trump in New Hampshire, regardless of what mainstream free media will try to convince you.
The real polls we saw a few days ago show that Trump is nine percentage points ahead of the state, but these numbers are certainly deliberately suppressed by the elite --Control left
Wing media like The New York Times and The Washington Post are pushing their blatant and dangerous relativesClinton agenda.
So, when you\'re watching CNN\'s \"News\" show, remember that only we are willing to tell the truth about the results of this election for our people.
With the state\'s polls over, Hillary Clinton will take over the Illinois onion program and if you keep an eye on what we \'ve been saying, you\'ll know what\'s going to happen
Seriously, you \'d better not be surprised about it, because we told everyone from the beginning --
From the beginning-
Clinton will get the 20 electoral votes.
Christ, we should put this damn figure up a few months ago and save all our own time and energy for shouting out loud. Hoooo-weee!
Onions will come out right away, kiss.
The biggest, the most despicable, the most chaotic
The largest catfish in Mississippi, occupying the entire misurra.
From the look of it, that whiskey, whippy-tailed muck-
\"Lover\" will also win 14 points, God curse!
Look at this guy! How-dee-doo!
We bet it must be long enough to measure the whole length of the big mud itself.
\"Of course, a whole bunch of people would say that Bubba and all the fishing boats he capsized were just a bit of a fantasy story --
Tell them to anger young people before being sent to bed.
But now it seems that the Mississippi catfish Devil is ready to grab the Show Me State and all 10 ee-leck-
Voted in favor of his big teeth.
Oh my God, who will think
That fish is just saliva! NEW YORK—
On Tuesday night, about 2 million citizens gathered under the countdown clock in Times Square to celebrate the end of the 2016 election season, celebrating the happy moment with singing, dancing and ecstatic cheers, sources reported.
Carnival crowd-
Many of them arrived early in the morning to determine the main viewing location --
Sales are reported to be expanding throughout the evening, with many pop-up champagne hugging loved ones, spilling over the nearby streets, and finally, a few seconds before the end of the voting plan, they came together in a noisy countdown.
\"God, that\'s great,\" said Mark Edwards, a local who looked up at a fireworks show, it marks the campaign advertisement for the election cycle of media reports, debates, and stump speeches.
\"I can\'t even describe how excited everyone is here.
Incredible. ”“Wooooo!
He shouted that his voice was almost overwhelmed by Kool\'s voice & The Gang\'s \"celebration\" came from the speakers on the buildings around the square.
From the end of the first vote and when the news network began to play the ticket counting, apparently nervous Mike Pence was stuck on the TV screen of the viewing party, and when he followed the results in, one by one, the Fusion Wafer shovels into his mouth.
After dumping 1,000 of the remnants
Shortly after Virginia was appointed Secretary of State Clinton, he opened his mouth to count boxes and could see the governor of Indiana brushing aside a pile of holy crumbs collected on his chest and throwing empty cartons into the room, and called on an assistant to bring him another copy.
Onion political reporter Lyndsey Mishek reported at Trump headquarters in New York all night.
According to early exit polls in the East and Central West states, after the vote, record voters poked in extreme fear.
Our statistical model predicts that Americans who are now frightened will have a lot of turnout, but the data shows that it is much stronger than we originally predicted, and it remains to be seen what the absolute impact is. fucking-
A rigid vote will be held on the results of the election.
We can also say with confidence that, in all 50 states, the number of voters who can still be optimistic about anything is at the lowest level in history.
Jack Hewitt, founder and editorin-
The head of the voting measure, which focuses on voting analysis and statistical forecasting of onions.
In any case, it\'s too early to call the election, but one thing seems clear tonight: Vice presidential candidate Tim Kane did a good job of identifying the color on the election map.
Kane pointed to Illinois on the site map and shouted, \"Blue!
Before smiling and clapping his hands, he has correctly pointed out that Texas and the state of oclakah are \"as red as a fire truck \".
The Virginia senator is said to have annoyed many senior officials --
However, senior staff repeatedly shouted excitedly that Michigan was still gray.
Update: Kane is currently working to remember all the numbers from 1 to 50 while calculating the states on the map.
Onion Chief political correspondent Martin hasselton reported at Clinton headquarters in New York all night.
The atmosphere at the Blue Valley North High School Coliseum in KS LeWood was very positive, where excited local voters poured into their respective locker room showers after a successful vote.
As a celebratory citizen, the dressing room for men and women has sent out a cry of joy and congratulation
Five each other, because of their excellent performance at the polling station and shoot each other on the back.
The report also showed that some of the area\'s rowdy residents began snapping up towels --
Time voters exposed supporters.
The KS Bureau is compiled from the report of onion laewood, and as part of our constituency observation initiative, is committed to covering all the voting rights barriers encountered by incompetent and weak people --
American voters with ideas
4% of constituencies reported that onion was prepared to call Ohio and its 18 electoral votes for anyone with the highest bid.
The Onion program may prompt the key swing states of the election in one way or another, and will be a very valuable option for any candidate who is willing to open the wallet and make reliable suggestions to us.
For candidates who wish to get 270 votes, the seven-mouth state will be perfect, or, it may be a good addition, it fills the edge of the candidate\'s victory, and provided them with a clear mandate from the people.
Let\'s start bidding for $75,000.
Update: bid $75,000.
Did we see $80,000?
Update: bid $80,000.
Did we see $90,000?
Update: $80,000, go once.
Update: bid $90,000.
Did we see $100,000?
Update: $90,000, go once.
Update: twice.
Latest news: sold to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for $90,000!
News: The Onion newspaper called on Ohio to support Hillary Clinton.
According to the observation throughout the evening, Donnell and Melania Trump\'s 10-year-
The old son Barron is carefully documenting all the activities tonight in order to one day be handled by a trained mental health professional in future treatment classes.
Barron was seen sitting quietly and watching closely on many occasions, and whenever he didn\'t like a new batch of voting data, his father would berate the staff and other people watching the party,
Senior aides angrily discussed whether \"too many\" Blacks appeared in a poll in North Carolina, and carefully followed the comments made by his father\'s supporters on Twitter, almost certainly, to remember these moments clearly in order to work with the therapist for a few years.
Barron also seems to feel that he and his psychoanalyst may spend a lot of time discussing some major things because he is now standing at the foot of the podium when the game is called.
Onion political reporter Lyndsey Mishek reported at Trump headquarters in New York all night.
At the North Fire Station polling station in sosarito, California, a local 30-year-
Old voter, she was happy to vote next to the red fire truck.
Resident Kate Durham, a graphic designer and adult woman, was seen with a bright smile as she waited in line next to three large fire engines
Look up at the large ladder of the truck, the red light and the valve of the hose connection.
Now is the woman of her fourth decade of life, and I also overheard the people behind her warmly comment that before staring intently at the fire pole in the middle of the room, how incredible they are to \"walk around here.
Compiled from the report of the sousalito CA bureau of onion, as part of our constituency Watch initiative, which is committed to covering all voting rights barriers encountered by incompetent and weak people
American voters with ideas
Our correspondent confirmed that outside the 22 th Street polling station in Reno, Nevada, hundreds of voters lined up to enter the hamburger hut next door to Mickey.
Several angry people at the scene said they had to wait more than three hours before placing an order.
More reports suggest that many people in line are becoming more and more violent, especially after rumors that the swing machine is broken.
However, most people don\'t seem to flinch, claiming that they will never forgive themselves if they miss out on two historic events --for-
Double bacon cheeseburger on Tuesday
Compiled from the report of the onion Reno NV Bureau, as part of our constituency observation initiative, which is committed to covering all the voting rights barriers encountered by incompetent and weak people
American voters with ideas
To make sure we don\'t forget that, onion will continue to call California for Hillary Clinton;
In this way, we don\'t have to worry about it in the future.
There\'s going to be a lot of things going on tonight, and we\'re going to keep a close track of some of the other states that, to be honest, might make us forget.
So, let\'s jump on the matter and officially announce that without constituency coverage, we can announce that 55 electoral votes in California will be voted for Clinton.
Oh, when we\'re doing this: Gary Johnson will finish the onion project that night with zero votes.
It\'s also good to get it out.
Experts at Quinnipiac and Suffolk predict that Bill Clinton will spend the election night, a completely unexpected late development.
While there is some doubt in some ways that the former president will still breathe tomorrow morning, the sources I interviewed seem to believe that at least for the next 12 to 16 hours, his main organs should continue to function normally.
But we all know that anything can happen on election day.
Update: Bill Clinton is still alive and seems to be fully conscious.
Onion Chief political correspondent Martin hasselton reported at Clinton headquarters in New York all night.
The atmosphere at Trump\'s headquarters became tense as campaign strategist Mike roubino began screaming at the Republican nominee, saying Vermont\'s election results were manipulated \"without a fucking chance \".
Witnesses have confirmed that roubino is getting more and more annoyed that Trump is unwilling to accept that voters may voluntarily choose Hillary Clinton, he asked Trump to stop saying the word \"manipulation\" every time he was told another state to go to his opponent.
The last straw seems to be Trump\'s argument that Clinton won Vermont, which has three electoral votes in the state and has not won Republican tickets since 1988, proving a widespread conspiracy against him.
In response, he heard Rubino shout, \"Shut up!
Fucking shut up!
You can never win Vermont, Donald!
In this world you can\'t even find a damn vote or even put you on a fucking baseball field.
I mean Vermont?
Who the fuck do you think you are?
No one likes you at all --
Fucking Vermont!
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Do you know what else?
Nothing else was manipulated!
I said.
Maryland was not manipulated.
No manipulation in Massachusetts. And guess what?
Neither is Pennsylvania!
Oh my God, you\'re such a jerk!
\"When it was noted that the rest of the ballroom was silent and everyone was staring at him, Rubino paused, quietly apologized, and then sat in front of his laptop, at that time, he was captured by two security officials and escorted out of Hilton midtown New York.
Onion political reporter Lyndsey Mishek reported at Trump headquarters in New York all night.
With almost all men reporting their deepest emotions, onion predicts Hillary Clinton won 46-year-
Old Derek Mankin of Mansey
According to The Onion election model, Clinton has overcome long-term difficulties, won the favor of local power workers, and won higher support ratings. than-
The expected number of his hopes and wishes, and performance particularly strongly with his possible sexiness.
With a decisive victory, Clinton added the father of the divorced two children together.
She won a total of 000001662 electoral votes, partially offsetting Trump\'s previous two recent victories with monkinwives. In a late-
At Trump\'s headquarters, campaign aides have just thrown an old blanket over the cage of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
As we have heard, hopefully the fence covering Giuliani will help to calm down campaign agents, and she became very excited when she mentioned Hillary Clinton\'s name on one of the TV shows, and disturbed the entire election watch party by screaming frantically and banging the metal bars of the cage.
If this effort fails to silence the politician, the campaign is considering moving Giuliani to the basement of Trump Tower for the rest of the evening.
Onion political reporter Lyndsey Mishek reported at Trump headquarters in New York all night.
Our reporter reported that the turnout of ordinary and ugly residents in the suburbs of Philadelphia was stable and there was no sign of a slowdown.
In Montgomery County, polling stations are said to be bustling with many schlubby, overweight voters, while the Bucks and Delaware voters are said to be busy all morning, lots of ugly many local oinkers had to wait in line for more than an hour to vote.
Overall, the turnout in the region seems to be much worse than what analysts originally predicted.
Compiled from the report of the onion Philadelphia Bureau, as part of our constituency Watch initiative, which is committed to covering all voting rights barriers encountered by incompetent and weak people
American voters with ideas
Onions break Wisconsin and its 10 crucial electoral votes: the most critical issue facing the state is this election cycle Education: lawmakers believe that lifelong positions belong only to legislators.
The biggest game of state politicians, he will tell you the truth
Politicians fighting for changeU. S.
Area 7)
: Many voters are still not sure if they will vote for a outspoken politician or a politician who will not give up until things get better.
Interesting factWisconsin is the largest indigestion producer in the country.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections
Hours before the end of the first vote, reports from across the country confirmed that a record number of voters had been taken away by the voting machine.
Up to now, it is estimated that 35,000 Americans have lost their fingers, hands or limbs in trying to input votes into polling station scanners, compared with only 27,000 cases in the entire 2012 election.
Since this morning, I have witnessed with my own eyes that three people were stuck by the machine and their arms were torn off at the elbow.
Fortunately, in each case, the polling service was able to quickly clear the machine and let things move again with little delay.
Compiled by reports from onion Washington, D. C. C.
As part of our constituency Watch initiative, the bureau is committed to covering all voting rights barriers encountered by people who are defect-free and weak
American voters with ideasSALT LAKE CITY—
Asking several potential scenarios, it is reported that liberal presidential candidate Gary Johnson, while cardboard dumpbins up the candidate\'s headquarters on Tuesday, asked his campaign assistant what was the best way they could get 270 electoral votes.
\"Well, let\'s think through the election map and see where the clearest shots of our victory are,\" Johnson told those campaign T-s who were cardboard dumpbins unsold in cardboard floor display boxes-
Read the shirts, bumper stickers and buttons for \"LetGaryDebate.
\"What do we get in Florida?
This will give us more leeway in New Hampshire and North Carolina.
If we had a high early turnout in Alaska and South Dakota, it would definitely bring us closer to 270, if not further.
\"At the press conference, Johnson muttered in an empty office about the Western Mountain States because his campaign staff went out and threw everything in the bin.
As adverse returns continue to emerge, the atmosphere at Trump\'s headquarters has become more calm, as campaign staff do their best to make themselves look busy and try to distance candidates as much as possible in the event of needing comfort.
Aides expect that if several key swing states do not walk the way of the Republican nominee for the next hour, Trump will likely become visibly sad, this prospect has prompted most of them to start avoiding eye contact with him and returning to the remote corners of the Hilton ballroom.
Just a while ago, after Hillary Clinton\'s lead in Pennsylvania rose to three percentage points, it was reported that Trump made a sigh, prompting everyone to hear.
Onion political reporter Lyndsey Mishek reported at Trump headquarters in New York all night.
Hillary Clinton did her best tonight to show enthusiasm and vitality, but it is clear that the chaos on Election Day has begun to affect.
A few minutes ago, I witnessed her leaving the election watch party in Midtown Manhattan in order to relax and decompress by carefully reviewing the US election watch party. S.
Federal tax law.
It is said that Clinton is currently calming her nerves by hanging out in a private room away from the crowd, where she can sit down and browse through section 1,551st quietly, the content involves not taking into account the interest rate of the graduate company and the accumulated income credit.
Update: It is reported that after an assistant informed her that she needed to return to the viewing party, Clinton marked the page she left in Chapter 6 with a napkin: comprehensive return \"before returning to her other employees \".
Onion Chief political correspondent Martin hasselton reported at Clinton headquarters in New York all night.
Using a linear regression model that enhances available data from national polls and states
Polls, voting measures, election patterns make it clear that Montana is not worth jack shit in this election, and you should not take the slightest attack on it one way or another.
The statistical trends of the last four elections have shown that this worthless field is almost meaningless as a state can get, but with the upcoming exit polls and early voting data, now it\'s clear that MT can go and suck a fat one, because these three insignificant electoral votes don\'t matter anyway.
Jack Hewitt, founder and editorin-
The head of the voting measure, which focuses on voting analysis and statistical forecasting of onions.
The Onion breaks down Iowa and its six crucial electoral votes: the state\'s most critical problem is that illegal pirated corn sold on the black market costs $0. 6 billion a year.
The biggest match in stateDave Loebsack.
Christopher Peters (U. S.
Area 2)
: Campaign assistants have been cultivating these excellent candidates since last spring, hoping they can bring home the coveted Blue Ribbon in the congressional district.
The famous University of Iowa Writers seminar produced some of the most striking and impressive rejection letters in the United States.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections
In this election, there was considerable speculation and concern about voting conditions on election day, with Charlotte having at least one Donald Trump supporter, NC complains about the very short lines he sees inside this
City polling station
This echoes the reports we \'ve heard from our uneasy and panicked Trump supporters across the city, who confirmed that waiting at polling stations mainly serving ethnic minorities was as short as 15 minutes.
Many of them reportedly called local Trump field offices in hopes of resolving the issue quickly.
Compiled from the report of the Charlotte NC bureau of onion, as part of our constituency Watch initiative, which is committed to covering all voting rights barriers encountered by incompetent and weak people
American voters with ideasINDIANAPOLIS—
It was reported that his stomach sank immediately after he entered the polling station in line and saw the full oaf sitting behind the volunteer table, local voter Steven Wu confirmed on Tuesday, he was afraid of being sent to an apparently stupid election staff member for a vote.
\"Oh God, look at this dummy.
They had better not point me at him, \"said Wu, who became more and more nervous and saw the slow --Moving and slow
The witty idiot, after mistaken a pile of temporary votes for regular ones, apologized to several voters in a row and then knocked a container mark on the floor. “Ugh.
Now he said he locked himself out of the computer, which had the names of all the voters.
God, this guy is stupid like a post.
\"At the press conference, when the spectacular fool stood up and asked for help from the most competent volunteers at the polling station, Wu silently cursed himself.
Jesus Fucking Christ, we \'ve made four turns around this stupid neighborhood and are now looking for this damn church.
They say the polling station is 214 kilometers east of Washington.
This is East Washington Street, right?
Oh my God, we \'ve been driving around to find this place for an hour.
Wait, is that right? No, shit!
This is the fucking Lutheran church again.
Damn, we can\'t get there until the damn vote is over.
Compiled from the report of the onion ton OH Bureau, as part of our constituency Watch initiative, which is committed to covering all the voting rights barriers encountered by incompetent and weak people
American voters with ideas
If you\'re late-
Voting measures decide or still not decide voters with terminal illness
Voting analysis and statistical prediction blog for onions
Could you please consider donating your body to our electoral autopsy program, which aims to develop more effective methods for analyzing and interpreting the results of the 2016 election.
By donating your entire body, you will give a very precious gift that will promote our understanding of voter behavior, and help significantly reduce the expected error of all future votes in swing states.
Jack Hewitt, founder and editorin-
The head of the voting measure, which focuses on voting analysis and statistical forecasting of onions.
Onions break Michigan and its 16 crucial electoral votes: the most critical issue facing the state is what happens next in the election cycle: residents are troubled that the poisoning of thousands of citizens may not be the bottom of the state.
Hillary Clinton\'s biggest competition for the United StatesDonald Trump (U. S. President)
: You michiggers, you fucking want to be a rocking state, don\'t you?
Guess what?
You\'re not that complicated this year, and you might be looking for Hillary Clinton, so get over it yourself.
The interesting factDetroit is the largest archaeological site in the United States and once supported the ancient civilization of more than 1 million people.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state electionsCHICAGO—
After a turbulent first term, this is one of the strictest and strictest terms --hard-
In recent history, a thoroughly defeated man won a second term on Tuesday with 332 electoral votes.
A man who won 26 states and lost all hope among the American people, his shell was able to win in 50 states.
The 6% vote narrowly blocked the Republican candidate Mitt Romney\'s challenge.
Not long after 11: 00m.
Eastern time, on key battlefield in Ohio, major media announced a victory over the man.
An hour later, more than 10,000 supporters cheered on the stage at McCormick square Convention Center in Chicago.
BOSTON-read more
Local voter Wendy Patterson focused on the front, racking her brains for possible qualities, and reportedly found herself unable to remember any American value when filling out the ballot paper on Tuesday.
\"Oh shit, what do we mean as a country?
I swear I know that, \"Patterson said, squinting her eyes, putting the pen on her chin, then sighing, looking up at the ceiling, trying to remember the virtues that America embodies,
\"I think freedom is definitely one of them, what is this --togetherness? No, dignity? Is that one?
Oh my God, I\'m done.
\"At the press release, Patterson was completely panicked and randomly filled out the remaining votes.
As we keep updating the voting measures election forecast model with real-time returns, we realize that we haven\'t heard any voting data from North Dakota for about three weeks, and we\'re starting to worry about them.
People living nearby
Maybe in Montana or Minnesota.
Check them out and make sure they\'re okay?
They didn\'t like to send any opinion messages for more than a week, and they haven\'t picked up their phones recently to follow the polls.
We are getting more and more worried about possible problems.
Update: We finally heard from North Dakota and we are pleased to report that they are safe and reliable and Trump as firmly as expected.
Jack Hewitt, founder and editorin-
The head of the voting measure, which focuses on voting analysis and statistical forecasting of onions.
We continue to receive reports from all over the country confirming that several lucky voters were lucky enough to die yesterday.
In addition to avoiding voting in today\'s election, the enviable dead will no longer have to hear or think about any one candidate, reaching it by entering the eternal darkness.
We congratulate them.
Compiled by reports from onion Washington, D. C. C.
As part of our constituency Watch initiative, the bureau is committed to covering all voting rights barriers encountered by people who are defect-free and weak
American voters with ideas
Onions break Virginia and its 13 crucial electoral votes: the most critical issue facing the state is the election cycle: rising global temperatures make the sand on Virginia Beach almost unbearable.
The biggest competition in the national special property tax exemption (Ballot Measure)
: If passed, a new law will create property tax exemptions for spouses of police officers and other emergency workers killed on duty and may result in some rather complex murders --for-hire scenarios.
The interesting factVirginia is the earliest of the 50 states.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state electionsWASHINGTON—African-
Barack Obama, a 47-year-old American man
On Tuesday, when he was elected president of the United States, the whole country had a satisfactory job. In his new high. stress, low-
Obama will be accused of reforming the country completely.
The recession, the infrastructure collapse, usually have to please more than 0. 3 billion Americans and satisfy every whim of them every day.
As part of his duties, black people will have to spend 4 to 8 years cleaning up the mess left by others.
The job is accompanied by such strict scrutiny and such a sure guarantee of failure that only one person is too lazy to even apply.
Said scholar and activist Mark L.
Denton, \"it\'s just to tell you that a black man still can\'t rest in this country.
\"Before the US vote, Onions will provide a review of the candidate\'s different platforms on the biggest problems facing our country, including immigration: the best news sources in the United States compare the advisers and focus group coordinators of 2016 presidential candidates to the key positions they hold.
Read the full functionality here.
We are on election day again.
In four years, it is time for our country to choose leaders. it is important that each of us be fully prepared for this task.
When you go out to vote, here are some useful tips to remember: know which voting area you registered, know when your voting place is open, know, within the scope of this suburban polling station, I am God.
Kneel down in front of my infinite power, voters in zone 39, Zone 142!
From the power position at the back of this plastic folding table, I rule all my investigations, the field from double
Entrance to the door of Harker middle school gymnasium was pushed
On the bleachers in the back.
Everything bathed under the flashing harsh fluorescent lamp above is mine, as I am the custodian of the voter registration print output and the provider of the \"I vote\" sticker.
All who live between Maple Rose Avenue and Tenby Terrace and are eligible to vote must see themselves as my subject.
Dare not question me!
From the time you go through the Harker wildlogo logo on the base line until you go out from the door of the boys\' locker room after submitting your ballot, my words are the law. I am all-
I am all-powerful, and I am alone in control of everyone and everything in this kingdom.
Unless your last name begins with a letter between L and Z.
Carol will help you in this case.
Reading the full article is a very good news for Hillary Clinton: she has jumped to 22
Leading among absentee voters based on all emails
I have intercepted and opened the ballot so far.
The HRC is always favored to win the historically blue Garden State, but according to my personal statistics of absentee votes stolen from the post offices in Hoboken, Woodbridge and Patterson, she is expected to attend NJ at the age of 57. 26% of the votejust 1.
12 percent less than Obama in 2012.
In fact, using a random sample of thousands of absentee votes I took out of my statewide mailbox last week --
I counted it and burned it.
In theory, the Human Rights Commission can get 14 electoral votes from New Jersey, the biggest advantage of Democratic candidates since Lyndon B.
Johnson of 1964
Jack Hewitt, founder and editorin-
The head of the voting measure, which focuses on voting analysis and statistical forecasting of onions.
\"No matter which candidate is in contact with me on any stupid social media app, I will vote for him.
\"The best news sources in the United States require ordinary citizens to share their views on the 2016 election.
See all the features here.
The Onion has broken Colorado and nine important electoral votes: the most critical issue facing the state is that since the legalization of marijuana, Colorado has been forced to deal with a substantial increase in taxes and an unaffected crime rate.
The biggest game in the state.
Carol Morgan (U. S.
Area 6)
: Kaufman and Carol are political opponents in the fight for congressional seats, and are also cracking down on the original tension between registered voters Armand Greenwell\'s fan novel \"The sixth heat.
Interesting factColorado is the place with the largest number of people of color per capita in the United States.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections
Before the US vote, The Onion reviewed Donald Trump\'s position on the biggest issues facing our country, including foreign policy: the best news sources in the United States compare the advisers and focus group coordinators of 2016 presidential candidates to the key positions they hold.
Read the full functionality here.
We would like to remind readers that most voting centers are closed at 8 in the evening. m.
Local time tonight
Please note that after the formal end of the vote, any voter who is still at the polling place will be stuck in the 2016 election forever.
Please note that this is a tough deadline: If you are still in a local public school, library, church or other voting place at this time, the door will lock behind you, you will be imprisoned during this year\'s election cycle until the end of time, without any hope of escape or probation.
Compiled by reports from onion Washington, D. C. C.
As part of our constituency Watch initiative, the bureau is committed to covering all voting rights barriers encountered by people who are defect-free and weak
American voters with ideas
The Onion broke Nevada and its six crucial electoral votes: the most critical issue facing the state
The limitations of fracking will make Nevada the original desert hell God expects.
The biggest match in Norway is windy. Joe Hardy Jr. (
District 8, 15 judicial elections)
It should be no problem who is selected here.
Not every game makes sense.
Interesting fact in 1864, Nevada was the first state to be admitted to the union that was not suitable for living.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections
Here are three figures to consider: 56%, 17% and 83%.
You might want to know why. of-
The context data makes you suddenly panic.
Well, the main reason why you\'re feeling anxious, underbreathing, and a little sick right now is that these unexplained numbers can mean anything --
Or nothing.
For election.
Another one: 49%.
It is very likely that you will start over-ventilated from seeing that alone.
In the next few hours there will be more numbers here without any background, so please go ahead and vote --
Voting analysis and statistical prediction blog for onions
Try to be conscious throughout election day. UPDATE: +3; -5; 27%; 1,034; 12.
Jack Hewitt, founder and editorin-
The head of the voting measure, which focuses on voting analysis and statistical forecasting of onions. WASHINGTON, DC—
Vulnerable groups in the US economyS.
In another presidential election last Tuesday, population was a decisive factor, handing over control of the government to wealthy and powerful people again.
\"Republican-
Party of industrial giants-
Capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers and rich elites --
I would like to thank the poor people in rural areas with low levels of education.
White collar and God in Central America
Worried about voting for George W.
Bush\'s senior advisor, Carl ROV, told reporters at a news conference on Monday.
\"You sacrificed your happiness selflessly --
Voted against his economic interests.
We thank you humbly for this.
\"Your actions are beyond the scope of your duties --
Or, in terms of this, a good feeling.
Read the full article, VA-
Lazada-
Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kane reportedly took a seasoned snack out of his right trouser pocket on Tuesday and stuffed a goldfish biscuit into a voting scanner in his constituency.
Kane smashed the fish with enthusiasm and said, \"You look hungry . \"
Before inserting the juice box straw into the opening and spraying the fruit punch into the device, put the shaped biscuit into the voting trough of the scanner.
\"You go, sir. Machine.
Hope you like your num nums!
According to reports, at the time of the press release, Kane has inserted a ballot cardboard pallet display marker in each nostrils and slid across the floor when barking like a sea elephant.
\"I want to be part of this country, but what do I do when 1988 Movies Johnny be Good\'s DVD doesn\'t have Spanish subtitles?
\"The best news sources in the United States require ordinary citizens to share their views on the 2016 election.
See all the features here.
Before the US vote, The Onion reviewed Hillary Clinton\'s position on the biggest issue facing the US, including health care: the best news sources in the United States compare the advisers and focus group coordinators of 2016 presidential candidates to the key positions they hold.
Read the full functionality here.
At the NE polling station Kearney, frustration and nervousness are high as many local residents wait for more than two hours in a long and slow time
The mobile line threatened the only Hispanic voter in the constituency.
Although many expressed concern that before the end of the vote, they did not have the opportunity to question the voter\'s citizenship, nor did they have the opportunity to spread false information about the identity card requirements, everyone in the queue seemed committed to waiting.
Compiled from the report of the onion Kearney NE Bureau, as part of our constituency Watch initiative, which is committed to covering all the voting rights barriers encountered by incompetent and weak people
American voters with ideas
Looks more and more likely to be low
The pressure system made most parts of the Midwest gloomy, reminiscent of the cold, windy day of last December, when you and Karen looked into each other\'s eyes and finally agreed to the end, turnout in many states may be greatly reduced.
Early returns in Missouri and Iowa have shown that low temperatures, strong winds and scattered showers will undoubtedly take you back to that terrible night, after another screaming contest in the kitchen about mortgages, Karen looked up at you --
God, the tired expression on her face will always burn in your memory
She just muttered, \"I can\'t do this anymore.
Deep inside you know you can\'t.
This is not normal.
This is not healthy.
This is certainly not the type of environment in which children are raised.
This is the case: 12 years of marriage is so out of the way.
If the cold temperatures and wet weather continue until the rest of the day, the results are expected to be more favorable for Donald Trump and Trent, the jerk who Karen has been dating since July
Jack Hewitt, founder and editorin-
The head of the voting measure, which focuses on voting analysis and statistical forecasting of onions.
The Onion broke Ohio and its 18 crucial electoral votes: the state faces the most critical issue with a large number of Ohio people expressing unease about religious extremists farming fields and building domestic cells for Barns near their communities.
Hillary Clinton\'s biggest competition for the United StatesDonald Trump (U. S. President)
: A perennial swing state with a large blue population
Ohio\'s leading voters are the ones who let pollsters Dave McGrath remember why he got into the industry in the first place.
Fun factEvery ohi lives in a better state within 150 miles.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections
WASHINGTON-President Clinton announced on Tuesday that he would not resign in January, condemning the \"immoral and corrupt\" election process in the United States \".
2001. claim to be president for life \".
Announced on November.
Clinton issued a comprehensive martial law on \"all previously known as the territory of the United States\", from now on, known as the sacred American imperial empire Demopublic (HUIAD).
He added that the results of all elections \"are hereby declared invalid under the provisional law of demopblis . \".
\"The American people have already spoken,\" Clinton said . \"
\"By failing to win a 51% majority for any candidate, they have shown the motivation that they cannot mobilize collective action.
Now is the time to build a new America, a powerful American empire that can provide direction for indecisive voters through a person\'s pure will.
\"Read the full article before the US vote and onion provides a review of the candidate\'s different platforms on the biggest problems facing our country, including the economy: the best news sources in the United States compare the advisers and focus group coordinators of 2016 presidential candidates to the key positions they hold.
Read the full functionality here.
\"I really don\'t care [
About elections.
I get rich anyway, so why do I care?
\"The best news sources in the United States require ordinary citizens to share their views on the 2016 election.
See all the features here.
Onions break Florida and its 29 important electoral votes: the most critical issue facing the state is the migration of this election cycle: Hundreds of people try to illegally cross the Animal Kingdom and Epcot every day
The biggest game in America. Steve Hessert (
Commissioner of Metropolitan reclamation area)
: Showdown between current water recovery Commissioner heset and the former two
The long term in Florida is expected to be tight, although most analysts think the current commissioner has an advantage.
Funny factYou will grow old and die in Florida.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections
Hundreds of people are waiting on the sidewalk outside St.
Jude, the Apostle Catholic Church of Bowie, Maryland, because no one had the courage to enter the polling station to vote.
The long and tortuous line, which runs from 8 th Street to 11 th Street, is filled with fear and tentative citizens who apparently try to postpone their entry to the polling station.
It is reported that many people have waited for more than three hours.
Several people outside the polling place confirmed that a person did come close to the front door of the polling station at some point, but he flinch at the last minute, spinning in high heels and walking to the back of the line.
As part of our constituency Watch initiative, compiled from the report of the Onion\'s Bowie, MD Bureau, working to cover all the voting rights barriers encountered by incompetent and weak people
American voters with ideasDENVER—
The source confirmed that 32-year-old District woman Robin Maz had suspended for a while, and after voting on Tuesday she thought it was appropriate to read the presidential candidate\'s policy stance quickly.
\"It might be a good idea to get a look at the candidates and their views on the issue, and a few minutes after filling out the ballot and submitting it to the voting staff, she said, she was particularly curious about the candidate\'s tax plan and suggestions for improving the economy.
\"So they\'re all against this free trade plan, but Clinton doesn\'t want Trump to get rid of Obamacare.
Hillary wants more gun control.
It\'s good to know that.
At the press conference, Mizes is reportedly considering finding information about the following
She shrugged her shoulders and decided it would be a candidate that had been picked before it was too much trouble.
Although there are many variables that can change the trajectory of Tuesday\'s election results, this election may come down to a key factor: the number of votes each candidate receives.
Generally speaking, there is a direct correlation between a candidate winning or losing a particular state and the number of voters voting for the candidate. How do we know?
The ballot measurement model relies heavily on two indicators to predict election results.
The first one adjusted the election map to support possible voters and all registered voters, while also incorporating any trends across the state --
Or \"trend line adjustment \"-
According to the results of congressional elections
The second one uses non-parametric regression
In other words, build a model based on the polling data we have, rather than fitting the polling data into a predetermined model structure --
In order to more accurately predict the complex and evolving interaction between election forecasting factors.
When combining these two metrics into our model, it\'s clear how important it will be for Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to win more votes.
If the HRC or DJT does not record more votes for the rest of the night, the likelihood that they will reach the threshold necessary to become president has dropped sharply.
In fact, getting more votes in all 50 states will have a vital push for any candidate, and underestimating the impact of doing so could cost one of the states the president.
In predicting the results for tonight, I will ask the following main questions: the answer may tell us if Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump will become 45 President of the United States.
Jack Hewitt, founder and editorin-
The head of the voting measure, which focuses on voting analysis and statistical forecasting of onions.
The Onion breaks down the state of New Hampshire and its four crucial electoral votes: the most critical issues facing the state are statewide, the popularity of opium drugs is leading voters to weigh the potential for heroin to become more illegal.
The biggest game in the stateColin van osden. Chris Sununu (Governor)
: The same name building of a future Bridge outside Portsmouth is suspended on the level.
As we all know, when the rest of the country doesn\'t look, interesting factNew Hampshire will swap locations with Vermont.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections7:45 a. m.
: At that time, the vast majority of voters went to the polling station and defeated 50 000: acres of rainforest, paving the way for commercial voting 324: the number of candidates for the water recovery committee who would watch their dreams burst: 1 The number of Evan McMullins running for president in 9,223,350,878,098: the chance to fill in the perfect ballot38 in Vegas.
5: College ratio-
Educated married women voted for the first time since they realized they no longer love their husbands, if they really love them, starting with a dry weight of 6: 4 per minute: the number of horsemen predicted in Revelation 20: in the months leading up to this all, the Onion broke Pennsylvania and its 20 crucial electoral votes: the most critical issue facing the state was the election cycle: across 20 countries, it is looking to put all its eggs into the next industry for generations.
At statePat Toomey. Katie McGinty (U. S. Senate)
: McGinty is running to become the first female senator in the state, and to be honest, it won\'t surprise anyone this election season.
Interestingly, after a historic run, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the introduction of the first daily newspaper and the Battle of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania officially withdrew from the historical stage on 1881.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections
\"I have looked at all the issues on both sides.
This is not important.
At that time, I will fill in the wrong votes anyway.
\"The best news sources in the United States require ordinary citizens to share their views on the 2016 election.
See all the features here. NASHVILLE, TN—
Complaining doesn\'t even have a button to press, disappointed --
Tuesday, voter Rob Blackman told reporters he thought he would pull a big lever inside the polling station.
\"I\'m sure there will be a handle, and I have to really put it down to officially vote, and then there will be this satisfying mechanical sound,\" said Blackman, 19 . \", Filling bubbles quietly on a piece of cardboard pallet display is a \"complete fucking disappointment.
\"I always thought you would open the curtains, see the two big levers, and then put down the lever that corresponds to your candidate.
But no, there\'s only one small table in it, that\'s it.
This is too bullshit.
Blackman went on to say that he was not sure if he would take part in another election because he had no incentive to vote any more.
According to the reports we received from journalists across the country, voters in many places have lined up long lines, which usually extend from their polling stations, around the block, in order to completely eliminate the opportunity of our country\'s foundation.
Many polling stations are trying to keep up with the influx of individuals who are attracted by everything that could ruin the country\'s representation, and so, we suggest that anyone who wants the United States to give in today is prepared to set aside a few hours.
Compiled by reports from onion Washington, D. C. C.
As part of our constituency Watch initiative, the bureau is committed to covering all voting rights barriers encountered by people who are defect-free and weak
Thoughtful American voters onion broke North Carolina and its 15 crucial electoral votes: the most critical issue facing the state
Immigration groups believe Duke University is the main reason for the influx of people into their country in recent decades.
The biggest game against statePat McCrory. Roy Cooper (Governor)
: The result of this fierce game may decide whether North Carolina is Virginia or not.
Southern or Alabama-level Southern.
Interesting Facts despite 10 seasons and multiple TV specials, Columbus has never been filmed in North Carolina.
America\'s best news sources have carefully studied the country\'s 50 worst states, providing voters across the country with the facts they need.
Visit our state and see all the statesBy-
Guide to state elections
Before going to vote, get familiar with the elections in our country.
With the help of onion election vocabulary, relevant vocabulary.
Key terms include: Ballot papers: the object of the voter\'s decision, which is often counted in the results of the election.
Electoral College: in the process, the number of states in the federation has been reduced to the most important seven or eight.
Voting: The election process, in which at least one person wrote in \"none of the above\" and patted himself on the back for that.
Read the full feature to learn more about the final interpretation of the 30 key election terms.
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